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If Authors Named Football Teams

Teams in the National Football League received their names in various ways, but most don’t derive from literary references.

The Baltimore Ravens stand out as a sole exception. Taken from the mysterious talking bird of the Edgar Allan Poe poem, that team name epitomizes the city where Poe lived.

What works for Baltimore might work for other NFL cities as well. Let’s find out what could happen if they left team-naming up to fiction writers.

Arizona

The Cardinals would become the Arizona Thrillers. Adventure author Clive Cussler lived in Arizona.

Atlanta

Replacing the Falcons are the Atlanta Argonauts, named for Rick Riordan’s book The Mark of Athena, which is set in Atlanta and features a trireme named Argo II.

Buffalo

Writers would cross out the name Bills and write in the Buffalo Rangers. Writer Fran Striker, creator of the Lone Ranger, was born in and lived in Buffalo.

Carolina

In place of the Panthers, this team becomes the Carolina Crawdads. Delia Owens’ Where the Crawdads Sing is set in North Carolina.

Chicago

Writers need something fiercer than Bears. Instead, meet the Chicago Tyrannosaurs. Author Michael Crichton, born in Chicago, wrote Jurassic Park.

Cincinnati

Let’s replace Bengals with the Cincinnati Werewolves. Kim Harrison wrote The Hollows series, which is set in Cincinnati and contains werewolves.

Cleveland

Fiction writers could come up with a better name than Browns. How about the Cleveland Hellcats? Marie Vibbert, born and living in Cleveland, authored Galactic Hellcats.

Dallas

How ‘bout something other than them Cowboys? Writers would substitute the Dallas Vampires, since Charlaine Harris, who lives in Texas, wrote Living Dead in Dallas, which is set in Dallas.

Denver

For writers, the name Broncos won’t do. They’d choose the Denver Doomsdays, since Connie Willis was born in Denver and wrote Doomsday Book.

Detroit

Rather than Lions as a team name, writers would select the Detroit Wheels. Arthur Hailey’s novel Wheels was set in Detroit.

Green Bay

Could fiction writers surpass the name Packers? I think so. How about the Green Bay Starshooters? Not only does author Jason Mancheski live in Green Bay, but his book Shoot for the Stars is about the city’s football team.

Houston

Rather than Texans, writers might opt for the Houston Battleships, since author Daniel da Cruz penned The Ayes of Texas, a novel set partly in Houston.

Indianapolis

For this football city, fiction writers would replace Colts with the Indianapolis Titans (sorry, Nashville). The name is more appropriate here because Kurt Vonnegut, author of The Sirens of Titan, was born in Indianapolis.

Jacksonville

Writers might replace Jaguars with the Jacksonville Alligators. Diana K. Kanoy wrote She Swims with Alligators. Though not fiction, it is set in Florida.

Kansas City

For authors, this one’s obvious. Leave the name Chiefs aside and substitute the Kansas City Twisters. L. Frank Baum’s book The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, with its introductory tornado, is set in Kansas.

Las Vegas

Here, writers might swap the name Raiders with the Las Vegas Miners, to honor Mark Twain’s book, Roughing It, a partly true tale of silver mining in the Territory of Nevada.

Los Angeles

The City of Angels hosts two NFL teams. Writers would retreat from the name Chargers and forge ahead with the Los Angeles Demons. After all, William Peter Blatty lived near LA and wrote The Exorcist.

Los Angeles

Rather than the Rams, the other LA team should be renamed the Los Angeles Martians. Ray Bradbury lived much of his life near LA and authored The Martian Chronicles.

Miami

Writers would choose a harder-hitting name than Dolphins. How about the Miami Punchers? Elmore Leonard’s Rum Punch is set in Miami.

Minnesota

Some residents of the North Star State might prefer the Vikings, but writers would call that team the Minnesota Wobegons. Lake Wobegon Days, by Garrison Keillor, is set in Minnesota.

New England

Since the Patriots were named for a region, rather than a specific state or city, that gives writers some latitude to re-name the team the New England Cthulhus. Rhode Island is part of New England, and author H.P. Lovecraft, creator of the Cthulhu Mythos, was born and lived there.

New Orleans

Here, writers would replace the name Saints with the New Orleans Steamboaters. Mark Twain’s Life on the Mississippi, includes descriptions of New Orleans.

New York

With two teams in New York City, let’s go alphabetically and rename the Giants first. Writers might choose the New York Atlases, since author Ayn Rand, who wrote Atlas Shrugged, lived in NYC.

New York

As for the Jets, the New York Bombardiers seems appropriate. Joseph Heller was born and lived in NYC, and wrote Catch-22, about WWII bombardiers.

Philadelphia

The literary crowd wouldn’t go for Eagles, and might instead select a name requiring a change in the team’s colors—the Philadelphia Purple Riders. Having gone to college in Philadelphia, Zane Grey wrote Riders of the Purple Sage.

Pittsburgh

The other Pennsylvania team needs a name change from the Steelers. Writers would call it the Pittsburgh Furies. Stephen King’s novel Christine is set in Pittsburgh and involves a Plymouth Fury.

San Francisco

In replacing the 49ers name, writers would go for the San Francisco Wolfdogs in honor of Jack London’s White Fang. London was born in San Francisco.

Seattle

Ditch the Seahawks name. Authors have a better one in mind. They’d like the Seattle Boneshakers. This honors Cherie Priest, whose novel Boneshaker: A Novel of the Clockwork Century is set in Seattle.

Tampa Bay

This team wouldn’t be the Buccaneers any more after writers got their blue pens out. They’d rename the team the Tampa Bay Cannoneers. After all, Jules Verne had his characters build a gigantic cannon near Tampa in his novel From the Earth to the Moon.

Tennessee

Earlier, I stole the name Titans from Tennessee and gave it to Indianapolis. Writers would rename this team the Tennessee Devils. Jaden Terrell’s novel Racing the Devil is set in Nashville.

Washington

Some in the District want to change the name from the Commanders anyway. If they let writers pick, they might come up with the Washington Scorpions. Lisa Howorth’s novel Summerlings is set in D.C. and involves scorpions.

There. I’ve done the hard part. Others can come up with team logos, uniform designs, and characteristic colors. If any NFL teams desire a name makeover based on literary references, feel free to contact—

Poseidon’s Scribe

January 5, 2025Poseidon's ScribePermalink Leave a comment

9 SciFi Predictions for 2025

Author Alan Cox said, “I figure [making] lots of predictions is best. People will forget the ones I get wrong and marvel over the rest.” Today, Poseidon’s Scribe will make his predictions about the science fiction to be written in 2025. Next year at this time, you can do some forgetting and marveling.

In the past, I’ve tried crystal balls, tea leaves, tarot cards, astrology, palmistry, and ChatGPT, but none of those worked. This year, along with a partner, I used a Ouija Board.

That method may sound silly, but aside from making literary predictions, Ouija Board practitioners have channeled many poems and novels from the great beyond, including a novel titled Jap Herron written by Mark Twain after his death.

In addition, I borrowed and rephrased the ideas of Zul Musa of PublishingState.com and Katelyn Ratliff at Bookstr.

Here’s the science fiction you’ll see in 2025:

Climate Change and Solarpunk

Authors will give us post-apocalyptic, post-climate disaster recovery stories with emerging solarpunk civilizations.

Driverless Cars

Writers will show us the pros and cons of more advanced driverless cars than we have now.

Futurism Beyond Africa

While Afrofuturism will continue, we’ll see books exploring the future of other cultures and regions.

Fact-ion

Scifi authors will combine their fiction with fact. That is, they’ll base a fictional tale on a true event.

Future Romance

Setting a romance novel in the future is fine, but in the coming year, authors will further explore how human relationships might change in the future. What bizarre, new kinds of relationships might emerge?

Interacting With Readers

Remember choose-your-own-adventure books? In 2025, authors will find new ways to allow the reader to influence the story-reading experience.

Linked Minds

Extrapolating the possibilities of Elon Musk’s Neuralink, writers will craft stories featuring human characters interfacing with computers via brain implants.

Merged Worlds

Pairs of authors will collaborate on novels that combine characters and worlds developed separately and previously by each writer.

Quality AI Fiction

In the coming year, an AI will write a good science fiction book.

After the Ouija Board finished making those predictions, I couldn’t resist asking it, “Who will be the most successful up-and-coming author of 2025?” After some hesitation, the planchette moved, guided by spiritual forces beyond our realm. To my amazement, within the planchette’s circular window appeared, one by one, letters forming the name of—

Poseidon’s Scribe

December 29, 2024Poseidon's ScribePermalink 2 Comments

Taking Readers on Your Vacation

When a friend or relative offers to tell you about their vacation, or show you photos of it, do you assent with enthusiasm and curiosity?

No, you do not. You agree out of politeness, while praying they give you a two-sentence summary. After all, you can’t be expected to experience their vacation.

Why, then, do we read travel books? We don’t even know these authors, yet we read with eager interest about a trip they once took. They don’t show us their cellphones, encouraging us to scroll through pictures. They offer only words, yet through those words, we feel like we’ve traveled to the place along with them. How do they do that?

I’ve read several travel books in recent years (maybe I’ll write one of my own—who knows?) and, though not all rank among the classics, each transports the reader to another place in a readable and intriguing way.

Contiguous 48 USA by Chris Dyer

Travel when you’re young, they say, and author Chris Dyer did so. Driving by car at age 25, he visited the forty-eight contiguous states while seeing friends and relatives (and bars, baseball diamonds, and basketball courts) along the way. His book includes helpful advice for those planning their own long trips.

Travels with Charley in Search of America by John Steinbeck

A classic of travel literature, this book follows Steinbeck and his poodle in a camper across much of the country, searching for the essence of the nation. Steinbeck focused on the people he encountered, the general state of America, and the joy of being lost. He found America in the early 1960s differed from the America of his youth, but modern readers will find it’s changed even more since his travels.

Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell

Among the quirkiest books on my list, this chronicles the author’s grim fascination with presidential assassinations. She toured many of the sites involved with these tragic events, a series of trips nobody else is likely to take. Throughout the book, her snarky humor keeps readers intrigued.

Blue Highways: A Journey into America by William Least Half-Moon

Like Steinbeck, this author drove by camper over much of the United States, and wrote, for the most part, about the people he met and the history of the areas. He shunned the interstates in favor of narrower roads and smaller towns. A long book, it still succeeds in holding a reader’s interest.

Neither Here Nor There: Travels in Europe by Bill Bryson

Bill Bryson went to Europe and didn’t like it much, but at least he made some money from a book about his ordeal. He poked fun at the continent, and in a humorous way.

Better Than Fiction: True Travel Stories from Great Fiction Writers, edited by Don George

A nice collection of short essays by a variety of authors, this book will take you many places, some of them distant and exotic. The quality of the essays varies, but I enjoyed the book overall.

Walden by Henry David Thoreau

Many rate this a classic, but I almost dropped it from this list. It barely meets my definition of travel literature. Yes, Thoreau traveled to Walden Pond in Massachusetts and described the area well. But he concentrated on prescribing a different way to live. Not content to tell us about the wilderness, he urged us all to move there.

Lewis and Clark Expedition: A History from Beginning to End by Henry Freeman

Unlike the other books on my list, this one chronicles a trip the author never made. Written in a rather bland style, the book keeps a reader’s interest due to the nature of this famous historical journey of exploration. With our modern world mapped and accessible by plane, it’s difficult for us to imagine trekking with horses and wagons.

Roughing It by Mark Twain

More than most books on this list, Roughing It combines an arduous journey to then-unfamiliar places with sparkling wit. Nevada, California, and Hawaii are airline destinations for us, merely hours away. For Twain’s contemporary audience, those places seemed wild and remote. Still, the humor shines through even after a hundred and fifty years.

Summary

Most of us take a vacation, enjoy it, and that’s it. We fail in our attempts to share the experience with others through photos and verbal descriptions. A good author, though, can share a vacation with millions, using two techniques: (1) Paint a vivid word-picture of the locations, thus transporting the reader there, and (2) Write with a captivating style.

I’m sure you’ll want to read in detail about a vacation taken by—

Poseidon’s Scribe

June 30, 2024Poseidon's ScribePermalink

Twain’s Attack on Cooper

In 1895, Mark Twain published “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses,” a lengthy criticism of James Fenimore Cooper’s writing, especially his novels The Pathfinder and The Deerslayer. Since it’s one of the more famous examples of literary criticism, let’s explore it, as well as the overall reasons for such criticism.

Twain vs Cooper In Twain’s acerbic style, he starts by accusing three Cooper-praising reviewers of never having read the books. He then lays into Cooper, saying, “…in the restricted space of two-thirds of a page, Cooper has scored 114 offenses against literary art out of a possible 115. It breaks the record.” Twain asserts there are 19 or 22 rules “governing literary art in domain of romantic fiction” and says Cooper violated 18 of them. He lists those 18 rules.

Twain scorns Cooper for over-using certain favorite “cunning devices, tricks, artifices.” He also slams Cooper for some improbable events involving shore water undertows, cannon ball rolling, and footprint erasure by erosion.

At length, Twain ridicules Cooper for creating a forest stream of varying breadth, for conjuring a boat so big as to be unlikely to navigate the stream, and for having five Indians lay in wait for this giant craft and yet miss it when attempting to jump aboard. For several paragraphs, Twain then takes Cooper to task for scenes involving implausible target-shooting with rifles, and eyesight beyond human capability.

In Twain’s judgement, Cooper’s dialogue is inconsistent, and his word choices “dull” and “approximate.”

That’s the summary version of the “Literary Offenses.” Twain’s writing style is humorous and satirical, making the essay fun to read and accounting for its lasting popularity.

Once published, Twain’s essay itself became subject to criticism, and one fine example of this is “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Defenses,” by Lance Schachterle and Kent Ljungquist of Worcester Polytechnic Institute. Schachterle and Ljungquist take Twain to task for attempting literary criticism while accomplishing little more than sniping at the physics of certain scenes. Twain, they say, gets some of his physics wrong, and in the case of the river craft and the awaiting Indians, fills in his own details to prove that Cooper’s scene wouldn’t work.

Laying aside the particulars of the criticisms, why would Twain write such an essay at all? Cooper couldn’t respond, having been dead some forty-four years. (In fairness, Twain didn’t reserve his barbs only for deceased authors. He criticized his contemporaries George Eliot and Robert Louis Stevenson as well.) That gap in time is illustrative, since Cooper wrote in the Romantic style, a style no longer in vogue in Twain’s time.

Was Twain trying to tarnish Cooper’s reputation? That was unlikely to suffer, Cooper having become a best-selling author whose works remained popular well into Twain’s era, and even now.

I suspect Twain, like many writers, chafed at the inexplicable popularity of other authors who didn’t write the way he did. In a sense, he’s criticizing the book-buying public. He’s saying, “Americans, here are the rules for literature, and I adhere to them in my stories. Why do you keep buying books by Cooper, who violates them at every turn?”

Still, who can explain why readers line up to buy certain books and ignore others? What makes a book popular? Strict adherence to Twain’s self-imposed rules doesn’t seem to be the answer; otherwise, we’d be reading little else but Twain.

Similarly, Jules Verne criticized H. G. Wells’ book The First Men in the Moon for using a fictional anti-gravity metal. Wells did not obey rules Verne imposed on himself, and Verne couldn’t understand why readers would accept that.

Authors are free to comment on other authors, of course, but should be wary of applying their own criteria of merit on others, or of assuming readers use those same criteria in their book-purchasing decisions.

I must admit, I’m glad Mark Twain never had the chance to criticize any books by—

Poseidon’s Scribe

One more thing: remember Smashwords is selling many of my books at ½ price through the end of this month. These deals don’t come along often. Buy two or more!

July 17, 2016Poseidon's ScribePermalink

What Do Editors Want, Anyway?

Most beginning writers, especially those who’ve suffered a few rejections, wonder about the answer to this post’s subject question. What do editors want? What Editors Want

I can’t pretend to speak for all editors. I’ve not reached the point where all my stories get accepted. I’ve never worked as an editor myself.

However, a few years ago, one editor* gave me his answer to that question, and it’s a good one. He wrote, “I’m a stickler for a story having not only a clear protagonist, antagonist, and plot, but a resolution of the plot (in which the protagonist participates) and a change in the protagonist on some level. I like stories that, as Twain once said, ‘accomplish something and arrive somewhere.’ Most accomplish nothing and arrive nowhere. It’s dreadful to read through an otherwise good story and have it end without ending.”

Let’s accept that as a working proposition and break it down.

Clear protagonist. The reader shouldn’t have to wonder who the main character is. I believe the editor chose the word ‘protagonist’ rather than ‘hero’ since the main character need not be particularly heroic.
Clear antagonist. Stories must have conflict. There must be some entity against whom the protagonist struggles. The antagonist need not be a person; it could be nature or the environment. Once again, once finished with the story, any reader should be able to name the antagonist.
Clear plot. By this, I believe the editor was saying the story must portray events in a logical order. The events must relate to the conflict and follow each other with a clear cause-and-effect relationship. Some events will escalate tension and others will relieve it. Overall, there needs to be a gradual buildup of tension until the resolution.
Plot resolution in which the protagonist participates. The resolution is that part of the plot where the conflict is resolved (the bad guy is defeated, the two people fall in love, the protagonist overcomes a character flaw, etc.). It’s important that the protagonist take action to bring about this resolution and not be some bystanding witness to the action. Note: the word ‘resolved’ does not imply happily or favorably. Resolution of the conflict could be accomplished by the protagonist’s death or other defeat.
Protagonist changes on some level. If your protagonist is the same person at the end of the story as she was at the beginning, the reader will wonder what the point of the story was. The clause ‘on some level’ refers to the fact that conflicts are generally classed as external (bad-guy antagonist or unforgiving environment) or internal (character flaw, irrational fear, grief, unreasonable guilt, psychological problem, etc.). Many stories impose both internal and external conflicts on the protagonist. For internal conflicts, the change should be an overcoming of the condition, or at least hope of such problem solving. For external conflicts, the protagonist’s change is generally a maturation of some kind.
Story accomplishes something. This is part of the Twain quote, and is a restating of points 4 and 5. The plot and conflicts must resolve and the protagonist must change. A great way for a story to accomplish something is if it says something useful about the human condition.
Story arrives somewhere. By this, I take Twain to mean that the story must end at an appropriate point, not before the conflict resolution, and not too long afterward.

Save your editor some time, and save yourself another bout of rejection-grief. Check if your story meets all of the above criteria before submitting it. If it doesn’t, it’s not ready.

Of course, even if your story does meet these criteria, that’s no guarantee of acceptance. Who can pretend to know what all editors want? Certainly not—

Poseidon’s Scribe

* Note: the editor who wrote that is David M. Fitzpatrick, of Epic Saga Publishing. He accepted one of my stories for an upcoming Epic Saga anthology. David has gone into more detail about what he looks for in submissions; see this wonderful blog post here, which includes some great writing exercises, too.

July 10, 2016Poseidon's ScribePermalink

Don’t Touch that Dialect!

As you write your fiction, should you have your characters speaking in dialect? By this I mean the purposeful misspelling of words in a phonetic manner to indicate how your character is speaking them.

The study of dialect is fascinating and, as a fiction writer, you should be familiar with the dialect used by your characters. But the question is whether to indicate some or all of the character’s word pronunciations to the reader phonetically.

One good reason for doing so is to show authenticity. Writing in dialect gives readers a great feel for the character, since you’re depicting the speech as it would really be. Also, the use of dialect allows you to distinguish characters from each other. If each character has a distinctive way of pronouncing words, that’s a help to the reader in telling them apart.

There are significant dangers in using dialect in your writing, though. First, it can slow down the reading process. Readers get annoyed having to stumble over your strangely-spelled words. Worse, they can get confused if you do a clumsy job of it and they have to stop and puzzle out what a character is supposed to be saying.

Worse still, you can offend a reader. These days, offended readers might not merely chuck your book, they can post scathing reviews which can really cut down on sales.

There are degrees of offense, of course. And attitudes change with time. Just after Mark Twain wrote Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, readers were more put off by its crude and mildly obscene language. Now the main criticisms involve its depiction of the black slave character, Jim. In fact, it’s hard to even read the book these days because it comes off as racist by today’s standards. It helps, just a little, to realize that Jim is, in fact, a noble character. And ennobling, in the sense that he forces Huck to struggle with the values of the society he lives in.

However, a worse example of offending an audience with dialect is Jar Jar Binks in some of the Star Wars movies. Since Jar Jar is an alien, (a Gungan), writer and director George Lucas could have gotten creative and invented a new and distinctive dialect. Instead he chose to give this character a dialect nearly identical to that of Jamaican English. To aggravate the offense, he made Jar Jar a comic relief character, bumbling and rather stupid.

Getting back to the question of whether to use dialect in your writing, I suggest you use it sparingly, while being sensitive to the problems of confusing or offending your readership. There are other ways to convey the distinctiveness of a character other than dialect. These include word choice, grammar, idioms, slang, gestures and other actions, and clothing choice. I think writer Jennifer Jensen has some great advice on dialect here.

The story in which I used dialect to the greatest degree is “The Six Hundred Dollar Man.” Only you readers can decide if the cowboy dialect of 1870 Wyoming was rendered well in that story by—

Poseidon’s Scribe

July 21, 2013Poseidon's ScribePermalink

Hook ‘em, So You Can Reel ‘em In

How will you begin your next story? The beginning, called the ‘hook,’ is important. These days readers don’t have much time. Other things like TV, video games, and the Internet compete with your story for their attention. If your first sentence or paragraph doesn’t grab them, they’re on to doing something else.

Here are some examples of great hooks used in novels as chosen by the editors of American Book Review:

Call me Ishmael. Moby-Dick, Herman Melville
Marley was dead, to begin with. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. 1984, George Orwell
You don’t know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain’t no matter. Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was arrested. The Trial, Franz Kafka
Mother died today. The Stranger, Albert Camus
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis
He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish. The Old Man and the Sea, Ernest Hemingway
It was a pleasure to burn. Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
The cold passed reluctantly from the earth, and the retiring fogs revealed an army stretched out on the hills, resting. The Red Badge of Courage, Stephen Crane

These beginnings work well for several reasons. They give us an early idea what the story will be about. They establish the tone of the story, and something about the attitude of the narrator’s voice.

But most of all they seize our attention and compel us to want to read more. What gives them this quality? It’s hard to find a common attribute just by looking at them. They seem to appeal for different reasons.

Writer Darcy Pattison has grouped the different beginnings into categories. This is helpful since one category might work better for the start of your story than another. Knowing the category can give you a starting point for developing your hook.

Many of the beginnings in the list start with a sense of the ordinary, and then give the reader something that clashes or is jarring somehow. We’re left with a puzzle, an oddity, a question that can only be resolved by reading further. So read on we must.

Those without that twist added to the ordinary seem to possess a different quality. They settle us in, set a mood, fluff up our pillow, put on some appropriate music. We’re now comfortably in the story, transported to the author’s world right from the start, and now that we’re there we might as well read on to see what the place is like.

Each of these beginnings without exception is easy to read. None have rare or difficult words to stumble over. All have rhythm, and almost poetic brevity. Not a word is wasted.

How do you write an opening like these? Heck if I know; these are some of the best ever written. Ask one of the world’s greatest authors.

With that task added to your to-do list, perhaps we could set our sights a bit lower for now. How do you write an effective story beginning? For one thing, it takes time and many trials. The beginning is the hardest part to write, usually takes the longest, and usually involves the most revisions. You might decide to skip the hook and come back to it later as the story evolves. You might like to write a first version of the hook knowing you’ll revisit it over and over. In any case, be prepared to spend the time and thought to craft it right.

To learn much more about how to write story hooks, read Hooked by Les Edgerton. What an invaluable resource!