Monthly Archives: November 2018

Chessiecon Turkey Award, Second Worst Place

Every year, the science fiction conference Chessiecon offers an award, called the Chessiecon Turkey Award. The idea is to write the “worst possible opening to the worst possible SF/F novel (n)ever written.” It’s a SciFi version of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest.

I submitted an entry this year for the first time. As I was leaving the con, one of the Turkey Award judges told me I’d won second worst place! I couldn’t believe it.

Before I unveil my entry, please have all children at least exit the room, or preferably, the solar system. This entry is suggestive, racy, and risqué, but not necessarily in that order. Are all the kiddies gone? Good.

With apologies to H.G. Wells, here’s what I submitted:

“No one would have conceived in the last months of 2018 that this world was being debauched obscenely by protuberances straighter than man’s, as thoroughly as a man with a proctoscope might sodomize the prurient lechers in a tub of water. Yet across the gulf of space, inter-sexuals fast and cool and un-prophylactic regarded this earth with lascivious eyes, and Roly and Shirley spewed from their glands against us.”

Hmmm. I guess you’d have to call that novel Whore of the Worlds, or something. Good thing for humanity that nobody wrote that book. Ever.

Pictured below is the prize I won for getting second worst place. You guessed correctly; it’s the Flickin’ Chicken game, rated for ages six and above. My wife says I might be mentally old enough to play it next year. Yay!

Flickin’ Chicken, the Go Anywhere Game

On the package it says it’s “The Go Anywhere Game,” which is handy, because I won’t need a passport anymore.

It is my high dishonor to accept this “award.” I’d like to take this opportunity to blame all the people who helped me along the way, including my parents, my teachers, and H.G. Wells.

To all those who said, “Steve, don’t enter that bad-writing contest; you’re not immature or unskilled enough,” I say, “nyah, nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah. I am too. Thphthph.”

Besides, you doubters, who’s got a firm grasp of his Flickin’ Chicken now? I’ll tell you who, it’s—

Poseidon’s Scribe

November 27, 2018Permalink

Chessiecon, Day 3

Chessiecon, the science fiction conference held on Thanksgiving weekend just north of Baltimore, concluded today.

Chessiecon Panel — When DId Sci Fi Become So Political?

I joined other panelists in a session titled “When Did Sci Fi Become So Political?” In the photo, from left to right (locational left and right, not political) are the moderator, Mary Fan, and panelists Linda Adams, Lanthir Calendae, and moi.

What a great panel topic and a fine group (including the audience) to discuss it! We covered the politics of early science fiction, of Star Wars, of Star Trek, of more modern authors, and our own fiction. We agreed that politics, which one may define as the activities associated with governance and power, is inherently part of all science fiction, and perhaps all fiction, to some degree.

Overall, it was a fine conference. Always inspired and energized after weekends like this, I’m—

Poseidon’s Scribe

November 25, 2018Permalink

Chessiecon, Day 2

Yesterday was a busy day for yours truly at Chessiecon, the science fiction conference being held just north of Baltimore.

Chessiecon panel — Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, 200th Anniversary

First, I spoke as a panelist on the topic of “Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, 200th Anniversary.” From left to right in the photo, that’s me, Jo Miles, C.S. Friedman, Steve Kozeniewski, and moderator Carl Cipra. What a great way to honor Mary Shelley’s titanic achievement. How many science fiction or horror works written today will have bicentennial celebrations in 2218?

Me, reading at Chessiecon

Later, I read my story “The Unparalleled Attempt to Rescue One Hans Pfaall” from the newly released anthology Quoth the Raven.

Chessiecon panel — Good Art, Problematic Artist

After that, I served on a panel speaking on the topic “Good Art, Problematic Artist” exploring how and whether one can separate good art or literature from its flawed creator. Don Sakers (left) moderated, and the panelists were Scott Edelman (who brought donuts!), Margaret Carter, and me. The topic verged into touchy areas, but Don, Scott, and Margaret handled it capably and the audience got something out of it.

The next panel was titled “It’s OK to Not Like Things” dealing with how and whether to express dislike for a story or movie everyone else loves. Sadly, the picture came out blurry, but Sarah Sexton, I, Valerie Mikles, and Timothy Liebe delved into every aspect of that subject with a very interactive audience.

Chessiecon – me at the group signing

That evening, I set up my table as part of a group signing. Probably twenty authors sat at tables around a large square, making it convenient for potential readers to roam from table to table. It’s fun to engage with readers and they love it when you sign the first page of your story in an anthology they’re buying.

One more day of Chessiecon to go. Make sure you attend, or you’ll miss the 12:30 panel, another great discussion that will include—

            Poseidon’s Scribe

November 25, 2018Permalink

Chessiecon, Day 1

The Chessiecon science fiction conference got off to a great start today. I served as a panelist at a session titled “How Not to Get Published.”

Chessiecon 2018 panel: How Not to Get Published

From the left in the photo, that’s our moderator, Steve Kozeniewski, then panelists Scott Edelman, Karen Osborne, yours truly, and Linda Adams.

We had a nice-sized audience for the panel. It surprised me that so many people suffered from the problem of getting published all the time and wanted to know how to make it stop.

I had no idea the condition was that widespread, but our audience had at least taken an important first step toward a solution by attending our session.

Fortunately for them, I’m a bit of an expert in not getting published, so I was able to offer many tips and tricks.

It was an honor to serve together with such a distinguished panel. They kept things interesting and informative for the attendees, and Steve Kozeniewski kept us on track and posed intriguing questions.

Tomorrow, it’s back to the con for three more panels, a reading, and a group signing. Attend if you can, or read about it here in a post by—

Poseidon’s Scribe

November 24, 2018Permalink

My Chessiecon 2018 Schedule

Chessiecon is a science fiction convention taking place near Baltimore, Maryland over the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend. It’s also a great opportunity for you to meet Poseidon’s Scribe (me) in person.

Here’s my con schedule:

Date Time Topic Location
Friday, Nov 23 4:15 – 5:30 PM How Not to Get Published Greenspring 1
Saturday, Nov 24 10:00 – 11:15 AM Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, 200th Anniversary Greenspring 3-5
Saturday, Nov 24 1:00 – 1:45 PM Book Reading Chesapeake 1-2
Saturday, Nov 24 1:45 – 3:00 PM Good Art, Problematic Artist Greenspring 3-5
Saturday, Nov 24 5:30 – 6:45 PM It’s OK to Not Like Things Greenspring 1
Saturday, Nov 24 6:45 – 8:00 PM Group Signing Atrium
Sunday, Nov 25 12:30 – 1:45 PM When Did Sci Fi Become So Political? Greenspring 1

Those panels promise to be both fun and informative. This schedule is subject to change, and I’ll post updates here as I find out about them.

The con will take place at the Red Lion Hotel Baltimore North (formerly Radisson North Baltimore), in Timonium, Maryland.

There will be a lot of interesting panels, books and art for sale, games, music, costumes, etc. And you can meet—

Poseidon’s Scribe

November 18, 2018Permalink

Veterans Day and WW I Centennial

Happy Veterans Day! This day also marks 100 years since the end of World War I. On this centennial, it’s appropriate to reflect on that pivotal war, its improbable beginning, its gigantic scope, its horrible casualty numbers, and its historical impact.

As it happens, I’ve written two stories that fictionalize aspects of that war.

In “Rallying Cry” (packaged with the story “Last Vessel of Atlantis”), two surviving veterans of World War I, residing in a nursing home, relate their experiences of that war to a young man and their stories change his life. The veterans, both Frenchmen who later moved to America, had served in a secret outfit called the Jules Verne Regiment, which employed futuristic weapons from Jules Verne’s novels.

My story “After the Martians” describes an alternate World War I that takes place following the attempted Martian invasion of H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. The combatants fight this war with the technology the Martians left behind: tripod fighting machines, heat rays, and propeller-less flying vehicles.

After you honor Veterans Day and reflect on the WW I Centennial, consider purchasing and reading these stories by—

Poseidon’s Scribe

November 11, 2018Permalink

Interview with a Moon Voyager

Today I’m interviewing the first man to land on the moon. I’m speaking, of course, about Hans Pfaall, who appears in my story “The Unparalleled Attempt to Rescue One Hans Pfaall,” in the anthology Quoth the Raven. It’s my sequel to the Edgar Allan Poe story, “The Unparalleled Adventure of One Hans Pfaall.”

Poseidon’s Scribe: Greetings, Mr. Pfaall. And welcome to my blog. Thank you for consenting to this interview.

Hans Pfaall: Thank you, Mr. Southard. However, I confess I do not know what a ‘blog’ is, nor do I understand how you are able to conduct an interview under these circumstances.

P.S.: Never mind all that. Let’s focus on you. First, am I pronouncing your name correctly? Does Pfaall rhyme with ‘pail’ or ‘ball?’

H.P.: You’re pronouncing it correctly.

P.S.: Um….okay. Let’s move on. Up until five years ago, in 1830, where did you live and work?

H.P.: I was a citizen of Rotterdam. I repaired fireplace bellows.

P.S.: But then you went on a remarkable voyage. Please tell us about that.

Illustration by Yan Dargent

H.P.: I constructed a balloon of my own design and used it to travel to the Moon.

P.S.: I can’t believe that. All on your own, with meager resources, you built a balloon?

H.P.: Not on my own. That would be ridiculous. My wife and three men assisted me.

P.S.: How were you able to travel, let alone breathe, in the vacuum of space?

H.P.: You suffer from a widely held misconception. The space between the Earth and its satellite is not a vacuum. Although the air is thin, one can use a compressor apparatus to render it breathable, which I did.

P.S.: I see. Once you reached the Moon, what did you find there?

H.P.: The most significant things were the numerous hamlets and the single sizable city, in which I landed. Also of interest were the natives, who are similar to us in many ways, except for their diminutive stature and their lack of ears. I wrote about all of this in a letter; I gave it to one of the Lunarians and sent him back to Earth in a balloon for delivery to the officials of Rotterdam. Did they not receive it?

P.S.: They did. But your letter ended with some tantalizing mysteries. Please describe those.

H.P.: I presume you’re speaking of the strange connection between every human on Earth and a particular Lunarian. Not only does such twinning exist, unbeknown to us, but the lives and destinies of the linked individuals are interwoven with each other. Moreover, I believe I mentioned in the letter something about the dark and hideous mysteries that lie on the far side of the Moon, the side forever turned away from Earth.

P.S.: Right. Don’t you think those things deserved more than one paragraph?

H.P.: That letter had rambled on too long already. I will write more letters soon.

P.S.: Did you think about the effect such a letter might have on the residents of Rotterdam? I’ve heard they may send a rescue mission.

H.P.: What? I didn’t ask to be rescued. I don’t want to be rescued.

P.S.: You’re happy, staying on the Moon?

H.P.: Quite happy, sir.

P.S.: Well, this is a bit awkward. The rescuers are…um…

H.P.: What do you mean? Are you saying they’re on their way already? Tell them to turn back!

Poseidon’s Scribe: I’m just an author. I don’t have complete control over these things. But, thank you for this fascinating interview.

Hans Pfaall: No, this isn’t over. Promise me you’ll get the rescuers to return home. I don’t want to be rescued! Tell them!

 

Sheesh. That interview didn’t go exactly as I’d planned. In the anthology Quoth the Raven, you can read the story, “The Unparalleled Attempt to Rescue One Hans Pfaall” written by—

Poseidon’s Scribe

November 4, 2018Permalink